August 31, 2025 - bloghan 62
The last one. This is it, boisengirls! But... if you've been keeping up, you know that this got posted a month after the labelled date, so... why? Well. I got tired. And there's a lot in this last week that I don't really feel all that much like sharing. Some to do with family things, some to do with more precious memories I'd like to keep for myself (selfish, yes, yes), but I think it's more than deserved. So, here's some final thoughts to leave you all with, on a dissapointing note because clearly I'm just troll like that:
Tier list of the week
This week's tier list: Bloghan posts, grouped up by their month. Here's the tier list:
Ordered tiers, unordered wthin tiers. Well, what can I say? The peak of bloghan quality was after I sort of figured out what I wanted to do with them, but before they got SUPER bloated and SUPER behind (read: rushed) in 2025. If I could go back, I'd do less for them in general. I'd make it more reasonable for me to write, and more easy for you to read. But while I can edit the past, something tells me my hand tendons will wake up to regret that. It's ok though. It's good I did it. To prove to myself I could do something like that. Thank you for reading. For putting up with my constantly correct opinions. ANd my very obviously correct spelling and grammar too. I got better at that after May, that's for sure.
Personal updates (achievements, reflections, and antics)
Well. It's the last week. And now, I'm feeling selfish. A little lazy, sure. I'll allow that point. But selfish. How much of this ending do I want to really share? Why am I hesitant to in the first place? Well, half of it has my dad in it, for starters.
He showed up at the end of the week, after I left work for the last time on Thursday. We went to a restaurant, then back to my place where he insulted how dirty everything was (and also constructed a bedframe for my landlord because she asked us to... whatever). We spent all of Friday cleaning and packing (mostly cleaning, I didn't realize how bad the bathroom and kitchen fans got), then visiting a friend of his in a nearby town (in his youth, that friend was an immigrant smuggler... allegedly, I'm pretty sure my dad's just messing with me). Saturday was more last minute cleaning and packing, handing in my stuff to my landlord and saying goodbye to her. Then, that uncle I visited on my first day here to say goodbye to him, then the airport. My dad bought tickets then, I didn't get profiled in security, we got on the plane, I played through half of the third case of 'Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations' on the plane, then we landed. And I was back. In my home city, once more. It was a foggy morning, and after a short taxi ride with my dad being even more insufferable while talking to the the taxi driver, there I was in my true home once more. Did any of the last year mean anything? I lied in my own bed there, rearranged in my room since I left, wondering.
The astute among you probably realized I forgot some days. What about Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday? Well, I had work those days, and a lot and not much to do. It was quieter without my work rival. I miss the guy. I miss Steve too. The temps weren't as talkative with each other this last week too. I think we're all a little tired of it all, and with the promise of something new and fresh right around the corner, it made sense. I'm not going to share everything though. Not because of forgetfulness, not because of laziness, but mostly selfishness. A lot of these last few times are my most pathetic or my most precious moments to me. SO forgive me for this non-standard bloghan recap of the week:
Monday was about documentation, doing real quick tasks for the not-manager and that one senior staff guy who called me a good boy, setting up my work rival's successor for some success with my own Absconder stuff, and trying to get one of my big changes submitted to the project but being told not to until next week by my manager... ok, I guess I'm passing off that work to my successor, who was sick all week. But at least my manager was nice to me earlier in the day, asking if I was free on Wednesday for a team lunch! I spent Monday evening collecting my package (gift for my predecessor) from the drugstore mail office, and the night all on writing bloghan, very very behind, paired with basic cleaning. No sweeping of dirt and dust or wiping of grime, but just random large macro objects: mail I ought to open, spare paper I ought to toss. I went to bed at another unreasonable hour, not quite ready to let it all go.
Tuesday was the day with important meetings. One in a huge room with my successor's go-to and another guy I've worked with a tiny bit to discuss the Absconder stuff related to the most annoying part of our project. All stuff being handed off to my successor and her go-to!! My successor joined that one online, and the antagonizing manager joined for the first minute before realizing he was double booked. I also had one last meeting with my manager to review my performance. It started with outlining all my tasks, what was getting passed on and what was done. I also surprised him with that little surprise tool thing I had been working on, the one that shows you what was in a certain folder. He wasn't at all mad that I did that in my "spare time" and asked me to immediately make it available eveyrone. He recommended me for rehire and said he was very happy with what I've done this past year and a bit. We talked a lot more about my future after that. What would I get up to in school? What would I get up to after school? Where do I want to go, what places do I want to see, what dreams will I reach? I love my manager, actually. He always had the best intentions for me, and he taught me well, even if his teaching was throwing me in the deep end a lot of the time. I'm SO glad it was a good review though... I also met with my work rival's successor, with one of Steve's old managers, with my predecessor, just to get across some thing that they need to do or that I needed their help with. I ended the workday with a whole lot of writing too, and a couple early goodbyes from people I wouldn't see after today. My Tuesday night was one only concerned with cleaning. Disposing of old clothes and all those cloth bags at the clothing donation bin (I dressed in all black and did it a couple hours before midnight, because the night is when doing such things like that makes you feel the most alive!), then cleaning the goo on my kitchen counter and stove, and getting at all that dust that was just everywhere. Another rather late night here too.
Wednesday was the feast day. I woke up late and ended up having to do my classic bus+walk combo, and wrote documentation until it was time to leave. We went in my mentor's car, me, my predecessor, and that one full-time who helped me out last August. We talked about my future plans, but once that was done, I stayed silent in the car as they talked about what they'd be doing in their regular adult lives far beyond me being gone. At the restaurant, we ate, and I feel like I personally ate quite a lot. It was a buffet, and I just grabbed all the stuff that looked good. There was some discussion about me, about my time here and about going back, and them making fun of my phone once more, but a lot of the conversation was just between the coworkers that attended, and the two managers. Indeed, it was just those people in the car, as well as my manager, the antagonizing manager, my successor's go-to, and the newest new guy. Small crowd, but that's ok. These are the people I'm most comfortable with on my subteam. I did end up having to give a speech, but it was a pretty good speech that only got bad near the end (that means it was good right? right?) that was really baout how much I've grown because of this team. Because I have! Literally by 2 inches, and figuratively by how much I've learned about designing and working in a team, and also about living in general. After the antagonizing manager talked me into getting a desert plate full of sweets, we got the bill (they refused to let me pay my portion and it got added onto eveyrone else's bill... thanks guys!!), and left. A small group for lunch, yes, but it was very very sweet. I'm going to miss this team so much. I love it here... We get back to the office adter a car ride filled with gossip about work and drivers in this city (same group of guys that drove there, plus the newest new guy for some reason). Once back, it's just kinda back to work? It's mostly in documenting documenting documenting, but I find (plenty of) time to go visit all the other temps sequentially and yap yap yap just as much as I write write write. I end up staying for quite a long time after my regular leaving time, looking out from my desk to see the clear sky with a little bit of cloud, and the smallest trace of pink from the sun setting. I sigh as I look out this window, as I sit here doing my last few tasks that I'm not even sure if I'll manage to complete. Just a couple minutes before I have to leave though, I get a visit from my mentor. Why's he still here? He tells me that he's not coming in for work tomorrow, and this is the las twe'll see of each other for a while. He says to me that it was great working with me, shakes my hand, and wishes for me to come back. My mentor has been so helpful to me ever since my very first task that was not just reimporting files. I owe a lot to him and his exhaustive and extensive answers to my silliest of questions. I thank him, watch him go, and follow suit only a little bit later. That night at home is split between a little bloghan writing, writing down sutff in myo notebook to jog my memory later, and a whole lot more cleaning. I'm sort of proud about how clean things got tonight... if only I knew what my dad would subject me to later.
Thursday then, was a day of goodbyes. My first round of goodbye was leaving my gift for my predecessor on his desk: a calendar, a Jeopardy calendar, for my Jeopardy champion. He saw it and came by my desk to talk a bit about it and about how it's going to be a lot more boring in the office without me. I'm not ready to say goodbye to him yet though. My next round of goodbyes were sent out in an email to my entire team and to some select others in the company with additional notes and messages. It was surprisingly hard to write actually. It took me a good while to word it in a non-weird way. Once that was done though, and after some writing of documentation and such, and a lot more talking with some of the other temps leaving today too, I had a long long meeting with my successor. She came in while she was sick just to see me off. That meeting was in the cell, and it started off exclusively talking about what tasks she was getting from me and what I had already set up for her to reduce the amount of work she'd have to do for them, then a little surprise visit from the gregarious as she was leaving earlier than all of us (take care!), and then our real goodbye began. I received a card and a very intricately folded dragon from her. The amount of effort she put into was amazing. The amount of effort she puts into just about everything she does is amazing, actually. I was wrong in my second judgement of her. My first judgement of her was closer, but undersold her too. I do regret how I thought of her at first, but now I realize that we're a lot more similar than I thought we were at first. She asked me if she should quit, but I told her to give it time. I did not tell her what was on my mind though: that she was strong enough to go through a rough time and make it out even stronger than she was before. It's alright to let yourself struggle, but I'd absolutely hate to see her give up. We said one last goodbye, I gave her one last encouragement, and I went back to my desk with only one hour left in my final shift as a temp here. How'd I spend that hour? Saying goodbye to everyone! The full-time on Steve's old team that would go to our temp events (she was sad and would miss the events I'd put up...), my work rival's manager (she couldn't stop smiling hearing about how great of a time I had), the full-time who helped me out last August a whole bunch, the senior who INTERVIEWED ME all the way back in last October (dressed to the 9s, as always, and wanting me to get to the point, as always (even though this is the first time we've talked)), my manager (being all proud of me), and the idealist's manager (who was on a call, but happily took a break when he realized I had to go, NOW). I also had some online goodbyes with my go-to and with the antagonizing manager. It was bittersweet. I didn't really want it to end, but I was excited to get back to my home city and pick up the pieces that I had dropped in escape, in flight. It was after all my goodbyes had completed that I realized there was one little typo I needed to submit a fix for... ah, but the submission process was locked, only open to certain people, and I had about 2 minutes before I had to go downstaris to hand everything in. So, I did the only thing I could: I messaged my sucessor about the typo's location. I met up then with my predecessor, the exisitentialist, and the idealist, and they walked down with me to the office to hand in my work laptop. I was the last one to check in. The gregarious had already left today, and here just before me were my equivalent, my co-DM, the cable guy, and the fanatic. The admin lady checked my stuff in, gave me one more water bottle (this is like my fifth one), and we all kinda hung around and talked for a bit. My equivalent left first, then the cable guy, my co-DM, and the fanatic. Pretty soon, it was just me and the full-times here. After more discussion about crossword stuff, Jeopardy stuff, and just general future stuff for me, I checked when my next bus would be and decided it was time to leave. I said goodbye to the idealist first. Then, the existentialist. Those two are wonderful mentors, and I really love being around them. They're so smart, so kind, so full of good advice and comfort. But once I say their goodbyes, I turn to my predecessor. I give him a bit more, something that bares my soul just a little bit more, and after one last goodbye to the group, I head out the door to this admin office, then the door to the entire building. I don't look back. On the walk out, my co-DM's car is on the street I'm walking along, and three voices call out my name from it, waving at me. I wave back. I walk on, to the bus station, not looking back at them either. My phone rings. My dad? Oh, a restaurant nearby that he wants me to go to? I'll be right there.
Then the weekend plays out as I've already described. But now I'm back to the question. I'm lying on my bed, back in the home I've done most of my growing in, in the city where I've done all my aliving. It's like nothing happened, at first. But I think on it. I think on it some more. Everything's different now, isn't it? Everything's more vibrant now. I search within myself to identify the fear and nervousness I was used to feeling while lying in this bed a year ago, two years ago, many many other years ago, but I come up empty. Well, that's not true. That fear, that nervousness, it's still there, but its volume has shrunk, significantly. In fact, I'm more excited in general now. Anticipation, less trepidation. Things will happen to me, I've always known that. But this past year and a bit have shown me there's a life worth living within the experiences I have. There's people around me that will help me with living. And even if I'm not around them, even if I'm in an environment where living is easier or harder, I now know how to navigate it. How to find those people who will guide me, how to find those people who make life worth living. So no. This past year DID matter. It did help me. It force me to grow, and now I'm a different person. And if anyone I knew before doesn't like that change? Well. Too bad! I live life for me now! How wonderful, life turned out to be!
Future plans
Here's the results of last week's plans:
- Work wrap up: well...... I'm sure my successor can handle that last document, all those tickets with incomplete tasks, and that one thing I was trying to di in my last 5 minutes. I did most of it though, and my manager was very happy!
- Door: I've finally accepted it... it's gone.
- Getting back home: well, I am there now, so this is completed!
- Gift for my predecessor: that Jeopardy calendar is going to be so much fun for him! In 2026 that is.
- Cleaning: I hated this. And I'm SO TIRED of my father. But I think I'll be getting my deposit back now!!
- Carnival: yeah no I was cleaning but that's ok. Plans with the other temps fell apart at the end, and I think that was probably sort of a good thing.
This upcoming week, no, this upcoming... month? Many months? Year? Years? I guess... school and stuff that I find fun, and my to-do list as well. I guess there's not much point in continuing to have this discussion on future plans.
Song of the week
I couldn't decide on a single song of the week to leave this off on. I was stuck. Something to represent the reminiscing I'll be doing on the past? Something to reflect that I'm going on forward now, facing the future? Or something to describe how I am now, where I'm at in the present of August 31, 2025? Well, how about I'll give you all three, and you can decide which one best represents this last week?
For the past: 'NEXT SPARKLING' (https://youtu.be/l5HblElvFSE) by Aqours is the song of the week. It's a song that makes me tear up pretty regularly. It plays at the end of the 'Love Live! Sunshine!!' movie, representing how the third years of Aqours are now graduating and going in very separate directions to pursue their post-school dreams, while the other 6 members stay behind in their small town and continue on the Aqours legacy. It's the first ever 'Love Live!' song to end with a fade out, because their story isn't ending. Although the group as it was is now gone, and the people that they once knew for so long and with such depth, that they were around for a year and a bit, are now heading out of each other's lives, they're still there. Those connections, they last for a lifetime. Those memories are precious forevermore, constantly sparkling, as we go on to the next stages. Friends, thank you. This warm throb in my heart that I get when thinking of you will never go away. And as we all head away from the places that we met, I know that each and every one of us will get slightly closer to our dreams. We are connected, you and I, forever. "Forever..." What a beautiful word to describe our "connection," huh? I'll be thinking of you as I go on, as I learn to live more, work more, play more. I've learned how to believe and how to believe again. Even when I'm alone, I'll be cherishing this warm feeling for ages. What a precious gift.
For the future: 'Distant Dreamer' (https://youtu.be/PKtto2yZXw0) by Duffy is the song of the week. It's a song about recogninzing where one is now, recognizing what one actually wants to get out of their life once they've realized they're living one, and recognizing where they need to go to get there. Well, that's what it's about to me. I've become a happier person over the course of my time here. I've become a better person. I've moved on from just simply being alive. I've become a living person now. I can actualize now, and I can see what I want to do even better now. Sure, I can also see the things that tear me down and hurt me even clearer now, and now that I'm so willing to live I know that a lot more is going to come my way to try and knock me down (!!) once again, but... I've got hope now. Maybe not crossed on my heart, but I know that there's things on the horizon that will make it all worth it. I can feel it, and I really hope you can too. I smile, I frown, but no longer do I let myself let life splay my form across the dirt and ground. Upwards movement, forwards movement, charting that course and reaching for the holds that I need to. That's what I'm doing now. Thank you for showing me the ropes.
And for the present. At last, for the present: 'Movin' Out (Anthony's Song)' (https://youtu.be/cJtL8vWNZ4o) by Billy Joel is the song of the week. Because what can I say? I'm moving out! Because if what I've always been envious and scared of is others "moving up," now that I've realized that's not what I want out of life, well then... Have fun "moving up" if that's really what you want, but me?
I'm moving out.
Until next time
I've been going back and forth on how to end this blog. I'm not doing anymore bloghans after this, but I'll continue to update other parts of the site as things go on. The pages with my to-do list, cleaning up a little bit on the year of random thoughts page, all that. But thinking about you, all the people reading this? Who have been reading these, who are just now reading these? Well, thank you for watching and encouraging me to live once again. But I hear you, your calls for me to get to the point, to stop being all over the place with every sentence I type out of order. What did I choose for my last bloghan's last words? In closing, I've decided to just repeat here what I've been thinking all this time: thank you for coming, thank you for staying, thank you for watching, and thank you for your love.
See you around.
- bubbler